Why you ask am I saying 'what have I done?' - Well, let me begin by saying I am glad I quit smoking, I never should have started to begin with. Now on to the juicy stuff. Since my quit date of 10/5 I have been a hot mess. I cry for no reason, Anderson Cooper made me cry, even waking up makes me cry. I feel like SHIT!!!! My body hurts and I have no motivation at all. The nicotine seems to be coming out of my body through my cheeks and tongue because they are tingling with anticipation that I am going to throw Mr. Marlboro in there - the cigarette people, for Christ Sake this is family entertainment here!!! I am constantly hungry....not sure if it is hunger pains or my body's way of saying listen here beotch, if you don't smoke you have to eat....you are skin and bones (obviously my body is looking at the reverse side of an anorexic persons mirror).
I have gained so much unwanted smoke weight (a spin on baby weight) since I quit. The refrigerator looks at me at blows that cool air toward my face and says, come on in...I won't hurt you. OK - now I have an eating addiction. Is that the cure for the nicotine addiction?
Oh Hell....now I have to get my lethargic ass away from the fridge and go do something. Maybe I should paint, they say that is therapy. I am afraid I will paint cigarettes all day or cigarettes and the fridge standing together laughing at me!!!
I am starting SA, smokers anonymous...if drunks get support why can't I???? HI....my name is Michelle....hi Michelle. It has been a week and a half since my last smoke (throngs of cheers come up from the crowd)....I am jealous of the people I see smoking, and I want to smell their smoke trails....is that bad?
Anywho...I read B vitamin is good for the craving...so I am day one of B50...haHAHA too bad it wasn't....you know what I am going to say.....B52!!!! LOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEE SHHHHHHaAAAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKKKKKK Baby!!!!
Now you understand...........what have I done????????????????
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Week 1
Blah, blah, blah...this week has dragged on forever!!!! I try not to think of smoking...I know all the health benefits I am reaping just in this first week. I never was in love with smoking, it was a habit, an addiction, something to do. I never liked the taste, the smell or the affects. SO WHY AM I MISERABLE????? I am eating the freakin door off the refrigerator. I am frustrated all the time, moody and as I began this blog....just blah!!! I am scared to death of smelling a person smoking....I might go sniff on them like my beagle, Presley sniffs on her puppy sister Khloe....ewwww I do not want to sniff a smokers ass, I meant sniff the smoke...helllloooo.
I keep trying to tell myself...you can do this...you are doing your body good (like a big cold glass of milk - it does a body good), I try to be upbeat and funny...and I try in this blog to make light of it. But the big and short of this is as damaging as smoking is...it has a strong hold on a person. I thank God every day I am not an alcoholic or a drug addict, I have known my share of each...and still do - you know who you are - go get help - but why oh why do I still have that urge to smoke? Son of a Bitch I want a cigarette!!!! Damn you Marlboro ultra light 100's you are an asshole!!!! You never did anything good for me and I want you bad. Like some of my past relationships - who shall remain nameless - I wanted the bad boys who treated me like my Marlboro - like shit.
Well - times are changing!!! I am in charge and all that bad mojo can kiss my left cheek!!! I have a great guy - thanks Joe, and my lungs are beginning to talk to me again - thanks lungs (breathing is heavy - but they said to expect that for a few weeks...they be clearing shit up), I am back in charge bitches!!!! No person, or drug (Marlboro man I am talking to you) will rule me again!!! muahahahahaha
I have read in a few places that nicotine is the hardest addiction to quit....I have never been addicted to anything else so I would not know...I am not shaking and convulsing on the outside, but on the inside I am walking with my inner goddess on the mean streets hustling for a cigarette.
Read these articles - fo shizzle my nizzle, nicotine is worse than crack - that is whack (thanks Whitney, I will always love you):
http://www.nytimes.com/1987/03/29/magazine/nicotine-harder-to-kickthan-heroin.html?pagewanted=all&src=pm
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/addiction-in-society/200812/the-7-hardest-addictions-quit-love-is-the-worst (Love & food beat out cigarettes on this list - REALLY??? I am screwed!!!)
Elizabeth Hartney wrote in 2012 (http://addictions.about.com/b/2012/09/23/nicotine-can-be-the-hardest-drug-to-quit.htm)
"It seems ironic, but many people who have successfully quit meth, heroin, or crack cocaine, still can't give up cigarettes. Nicotine withdrawal is just too unpleasant and the cravings are too intense."
Until we meet again....M
I keep trying to tell myself...you can do this...you are doing your body good (like a big cold glass of milk - it does a body good), I try to be upbeat and funny...and I try in this blog to make light of it. But the big and short of this is as damaging as smoking is...it has a strong hold on a person. I thank God every day I am not an alcoholic or a drug addict, I have known my share of each...and still do - you know who you are - go get help - but why oh why do I still have that urge to smoke? Son of a Bitch I want a cigarette!!!! Damn you Marlboro ultra light 100's you are an asshole!!!! You never did anything good for me and I want you bad. Like some of my past relationships - who shall remain nameless - I wanted the bad boys who treated me like my Marlboro - like shit.
Well - times are changing!!! I am in charge and all that bad mojo can kiss my left cheek!!! I have a great guy - thanks Joe, and my lungs are beginning to talk to me again - thanks lungs (breathing is heavy - but they said to expect that for a few weeks...they be clearing shit up), I am back in charge bitches!!!! No person, or drug (Marlboro man I am talking to you) will rule me again!!! muahahahahaha
I have read in a few places that nicotine is the hardest addiction to quit....I have never been addicted to anything else so I would not know...I am not shaking and convulsing on the outside, but on the inside I am walking with my inner goddess on the mean streets hustling for a cigarette.
Read these articles - fo shizzle my nizzle, nicotine is worse than crack - that is whack (thanks Whitney, I will always love you):
http://www.nytimes.com/1987/03/29/magazine/nicotine-harder-to-kickthan-heroin.html?pagewanted=all&src=pm
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/addiction-in-society/200812/the-7-hardest-addictions-quit-love-is-the-worst (Love & food beat out cigarettes on this list - REALLY??? I am screwed!!!)
Elizabeth Hartney wrote in 2012 (http://addictions.about.com/b/2012/09/23/nicotine-can-be-the-hardest-drug-to-quit.htm)
"It seems ironic, but many people who have successfully quit meth, heroin, or crack cocaine, still can't give up cigarettes. Nicotine withdrawal is just too unpleasant and the cravings are too intense."
Until we meet again....M
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
10/10 - Day 4.5
Wednesday afternoon...
Last night I cried at a commercial, I cried on the phone when talking to Joe...he surely must think I am off my meds and in much need of a padded room by now. This is so much worse than PMS...bring on PMS...I want to bleed now!!! Ending smoking is like ending a 23 year relationship with my youth. I was cool when I smoked a Marlboro behind The Tree (the local roller skating rink - yeah it was way cool then!!! (And I could backwards skate with my John Travolta wearing T-shirt bad ass self)...I also wrote in my diary how gross it was - I was 13 - what did I know?
Apparently I knew a lot more at 13 than I did at 17...because at the age of 17 I bought my first pack of Marlboro Lights at the Mobil station on Alpine - right by Edgebrook. I had bought other packs before, Virginia Slims...and what were those long brown cigarettes??? It was fun to buy smokes and say they were for your momma...hahaha. I don't think I ever smoked them...just had them for the cool factor.
One thing I will for sure miss...my 40 year old ass getting carded for something you have to be 18 to buy...DAMN!!! That made me feel good, to get carded to buy cigarettes!!! Woo Hoo they think I look young!!!!
Today is better (so far) than yesterday....I am still wanting a smoke. Letting the dogs out is hard, because I would step out with them and light up. I work from home, so I haven't had to face any smokers yet...that is another problem for another day. I did drive without smoking...I rolled the window down on instinct ..F(*& it is cold out!!! I ignored the sub zero temperatures when I needed my smoke on - hahaha.
Still coughing like the Green Mile - gettin' all dat evil out - but as long as I don't lose a lung I should be good for tomorrow's entry.
Peace and Love - M
Last night I cried at a commercial, I cried on the phone when talking to Joe...he surely must think I am off my meds and in much need of a padded room by now. This is so much worse than PMS...bring on PMS...I want to bleed now!!! Ending smoking is like ending a 23 year relationship with my youth. I was cool when I smoked a Marlboro behind The Tree (the local roller skating rink - yeah it was way cool then!!! (And I could backwards skate with my John Travolta wearing T-shirt bad ass self)...I also wrote in my diary how gross it was - I was 13 - what did I know?
Apparently I knew a lot more at 13 than I did at 17...because at the age of 17 I bought my first pack of Marlboro Lights at the Mobil station on Alpine - right by Edgebrook. I had bought other packs before, Virginia Slims...and what were those long brown cigarettes??? It was fun to buy smokes and say they were for your momma...hahaha. I don't think I ever smoked them...just had them for the cool factor.
One thing I will for sure miss...my 40 year old ass getting carded for something you have to be 18 to buy...DAMN!!! That made me feel good, to get carded to buy cigarettes!!! Woo Hoo they think I look young!!!!
Today is better (so far) than yesterday....I am still wanting a smoke. Letting the dogs out is hard, because I would step out with them and light up. I work from home, so I haven't had to face any smokers yet...that is another problem for another day. I did drive without smoking...I rolled the window down on instinct ..F(*& it is cold out!!! I ignored the sub zero temperatures when I needed my smoke on - hahaha.
Still coughing like the Green Mile - gettin' all dat evil out - but as long as I don't lose a lung I should be good for tomorrow's entry.
Peace and Love - M
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Day 3.5
Friday October 5th 2012 I had a brilliant idea....why don't I quit smoking tonight??? I only have a few smokes left and I am tired of the smell, my blood pressure going through the roof, the addiction of it all....so why not????
The first couple days were easier than I expected. Today....not so much!!!! I want to cry all the time, I am coughing - it is almost like the Green Mile...'all dat evil is comin' out me'- I don't feel like doing shit...not my homework, not my work, not anything.
I have been researching quitting smoking today and even called the Illinois help quit line. Was cold turkey my first choice??? Hell NO...my insurance does not cover Chantix, and who has $250 laying around? Funny, my insurance would pay for me if I had a stroke or heart attack related to smoking, but the bitches won't pay to help me quit....that is brilliant if you ask me. (Yes, me and my inner goddess just rolled our eyes under the half moon spectacles while reading the Charles Dickens Trilogy and sipping a mojito - Fifty shades reference for all you no Fifties out there).
So, here I sit, crying, chewing my nails, and plotting the revenge of the next person who dares to piss me off. FYI - it will be an awesome revenge, I wouldn't try it at home if I were you.
Here is my letter to my last cigarette....
Dear Cigarette;
Why did you manipulate me, I was 17 when I first loved you and you have played with my head ever since. You told me you were good for me, you would calm me, you would release my tension.
All you did was raise my blood pressure, make me stink of smoke, make me so addicted I would freak if my pack was down to 5 smokes or less, cause my breathing to become labored, but I still loved you.
You can tell Mr. Marlboro man to suck it....I am done!!!! You are like a deadbeat ex boyfriend who won't leave me alone. Back off bitch - I know Tae Kwon Do, yeah...I am a Yellow Belt (whyyyyyaaaaaa).
Fear me.
Nothing but contempt;
Michelle
The first couple days were easier than I expected. Today....not so much!!!! I want to cry all the time, I am coughing - it is almost like the Green Mile...'all dat evil is comin' out me'- I don't feel like doing shit...not my homework, not my work, not anything.
I have been researching quitting smoking today and even called the Illinois help quit line. Was cold turkey my first choice??? Hell NO...my insurance does not cover Chantix, and who has $250 laying around? Funny, my insurance would pay for me if I had a stroke or heart attack related to smoking, but the bitches won't pay to help me quit....that is brilliant if you ask me. (Yes, me and my inner goddess just rolled our eyes under the half moon spectacles while reading the Charles Dickens Trilogy and sipping a mojito - Fifty shades reference for all you no Fifties out there).
So, here I sit, crying, chewing my nails, and plotting the revenge of the next person who dares to piss me off. FYI - it will be an awesome revenge, I wouldn't try it at home if I were you.
Here is my letter to my last cigarette....
Dear Cigarette;
Why did you manipulate me, I was 17 when I first loved you and you have played with my head ever since. You told me you were good for me, you would calm me, you would release my tension.
All you did was raise my blood pressure, make me stink of smoke, make me so addicted I would freak if my pack was down to 5 smokes or less, cause my breathing to become labored, but I still loved you.
You can tell Mr. Marlboro man to suck it....I am done!!!! You are like a deadbeat ex boyfriend who won't leave me alone. Back off bitch - I know Tae Kwon Do, yeah...I am a Yellow Belt (whyyyyyaaaaaa).
Nothing but contempt;
Michelle
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